DTX#2 Entry 3, Day VI

What a week!! If ever there was a week that I'd like to cap off with a few beers, it's this one. Why in the hell did I decide to do this again? Oh yeah, to prove a point to myself. So, here I sit, instead of contemplating my weekend's festivities, I'm contemplating what I'm going to be doing to keep myself from getting bored this weekend. More than once I've thought "well, if I just go out one night this weekend...." but then I have to stop and remind myself that yeah, I could do it, but, come on, this is the 1/2 way point!

 

I do feel a bit of anxiety over not going out this weekend-both because of the shitty week I've had, and the fact that I think that I've peaked on my "feel-goodedness" Yeah, I'm not waking up with a foggy head and shaky hands, but then again, I'm not waking up all bright-fucking-eyed and bushy tailed either. I think it was Sinatra that said something like "the beauty of waking up hungover is that you know you're going to feel better as the day progresses. When you wake up sober, you're doomed with the knowledge that that's the best you're going to feel all day".  You tell 'em Ol' Blue Eyes.

 

Sooo... what will this weekend have in store for Mr. DTX#2? Who knows. I sure as hell don't. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll proudly display a huge sign that says "YEAH! I'M WEAK" as I slam a drink. Or, maybe I'll sit back Sunday morning, with a cup of coffee, sipping it, quietly confident that I've made it through the weekend.

 

I just don't know.

 

Pax.

Detoxer #2, Day 4, Posting 2

Well... here it is day 4, and I sit at home instead of at work. No, not because I went out last night (actually, I did, but it was for a run, not a beer).  I actually think that contributed to my feeling miserable today-allergies? a cold? H1N1? Who knows... My head's stopped up, sneezing, a little bit of chest congestion but the most annoying thing is runny nose, and a complete lack of energy. I swear I should by stock in Kleenex.  And today's supposed to be the one of the nicest days we've had in weeks! This completely sucks!! That's what I get for going out and acting like it's a summer day when it's really not. Then again, it could be that I've been coming down with something, and it just now caught up with me. Who knows... I only know that I have too much going on to let this put me down for too long. Today, the menu is rest, soup, and more rest. Maybe a little work from home action later if I'm feeling better.

 

On a positive note, before this hit, I was feeling pretty damn good. There's always tomorrow.. Hopefully this will pass and tomorrow I'll be back on my feet.

 

DTX#2

Detoxer #2, Day 2, Posting 1

I've got to say that your blog was somewhat inspirational. Like you, I've decided that it's time to "slow the roll". I need to put a governor on my engine before I blow it completely. Speed kills. I need to learn to pace myself. I'm waiting to see if I have amazing results in all other facets of my life, or if feeling pretty good today is just an anomaly.

 

Well, I'm on day two. I talked to Chelsea briefly yesterday as I was going to work out on the bag for a little while. She asked if I'd be up later, and I told her that I wouldn't be, that I was taking the "Diesel Challenge".

 

It's actually not too bad (so far). Of course, I'm a little bit luckier, in that this week promises to be really busy here at work. I figure that if I can make it through the first few days, the rest will be a breeze, though from reading your blog, it doesn't necessarily sound like it.

 

I think that most of all I'm going to miss the socialization that goes with coming to the Winetap, or any of my other haunts. What I won't miss is the money that I spend. Ouch.

 

So, last night went to Red Robin, and got a burger and a diet coke. It really felt weird, not being at Fletcher's or the Winetap (my two usual haunts)on a Saturday night. I will say that I felt pretty damn good when I got up this morning. I don't know if it was the exercise yesterday afternoon, or the fact that I didn't touch a drop last night, or both.

 

Today I'm at work (voluntarily), since I have a few things that I need to prep for this week, and some testing that I want to do. But still, it's keeping me from getting bored, and at the same time, getting me out of the house. 

 

-DTX #2

 

First fuck up

So... I was hungover yesterday.  DAMMIT it didn't take long huh?  Not that my goal was to "stop drinking," however it was to slow down.

In the last week I have had a glass of wine here, 2 martinis there.  Honestly I've been doing very good.  I went to my favorite "cocktail with lunch" place the other day, and opted for a coffee instead.

I knew there was a chance I'd be going out sometime this weekend, either with Andrew to his "my friends are going to a strip club, I guess I'll go" extravaganza after work, or with people from the wine bar.

Saturday was the end of a LONGGGG LONG LONG weekend at work.  For some reason the time was in slow motion.  That night I did most of my business in the last two hours, and had been "tasting" all night with Shelly.  (It is something we just have to do to ensure the quality of the products we serve to our guests:)

I had worked up an appetite for food and the sweet nectar that is vodka.   So while everyone else that works there was slow and got off early and started their drinking early, I busted my balls til the end and only really had my boss Dave and his brother in law sitting around.  Dave is one to stop working at this business at 3am, and get up at 6am for his other business and to take care of his family, so I knew I couldn't even get him to the local Denny's, but the brother in law was primed with 5 Jack n cokes.

You.  Youngin.  Slams from Denny's sound good?  "Yep" he says with his zany TX accent.

I took down a half bottle of wine while we were closing up shop, and then took youngin to breakfast.  Shit he needed to have some fun on his 3 week hiatus in STL.  After sitting there a bit with some eggs, biscuits and decaf, I decided I had the want and energy to go dance my ass off in Sauget. (yea yea yea shut up... it's a bartender's haven that a place is still open after 4am.)

Hey.  Youngin.  You down for drinks in the east side?  "Yupppp" says the Texan.

Mother fucker.  My mistake to take a partner in crime.  Instead of one drink and people watching and going home at 5am, I had cocktails and shots.  I didn't drink THAT much.  Just like 2 cocktails and 2 shots.  But that was all I needed.

Bleh.  The next morning I was out of it.  My body is no longer used to a mixed bag of drinking.  THIS IS A GOOD THING.  I am happy I felt bad; it was like a reminder of why I did my two week challenge.

This weekend I have Mizzou homecoming: the event that Kristen told me "I had better get my tolerence prepared for."  Well, I am not having it.  I am going to have a day off.  I am going to see my girlfriends.  I am going to enjoy the sites and interact with the energy of the city.  I was worried tho, that my friends and I are each others instigators.  However now I have a responsibilty:

The next day, Sunday, I have to move.  Really.

I found a new apartment, got a nice opportunity to move with ease, and the only day my family with a trucks can assist is that day.  FML

Ok, Dee, you can do this.   You can make sure you don't have a repeat of last year, three drunk bitches in the mean streets of Columbia barely making it back to STL in one piece.  I HAVE TO BE HOME BY 1PM AND NOTTTTT BE HUNGOVER.  My close friends know: my hangovers are NOT like normal peoples hangovers, they're redic, and I'm dead for hours.

I will not fuck up again.  I will not fuck up again.  I will not be the Lindsay Lohan of South City.  I will not and cannot be hung over for moving day.

Ok, I think I got it.  Keep you posted... :/

First Day off, not what I expect

So, today I felt so nice, waking up knowing I reached a goal.   That's a very important thing in life.  That's why I made mine attainable.   It was going to be a good day.  Another day off of work.  Get some business taken care of, a little shopping taken care of, and maybe see some friends at the coffee shop.

What's this?  I wake up a little late (1:15pm) and already I have FOUR TEXTS asking where I am drinking tonight.  Shit people!  You act like you know me!  (You are totally right, it was one of the first thoughts that went through my head: Should I keep this up?)  lol.

I sit around all lazy like, eating a classic Dee lunch: Chicken Noodle soup from a can, microwaved, with Schnucks brand oyster crackers.  (I'm an interesting little chica, no?)  I get the word that coffee time is on and sit there with Joni and Spencer for 2 or 3 hours.  "So, Joni, Spence, either of you want to go next door and grab a glass?" "Oh, I'm still on the wagon" says Joni, and Spence politely declines as well. 

So.

So I go next door, I KNOW THE OWNER AND THE STAFF SO I DIDNT GO ALONE (kind of), and choose my perfect 15th day drink.  A lovely 6 oz pour of a 2008 Siduri Pinot Noir from the Sonoma Valley.  MMMMMMMMMMM

MMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMM  It was good.

I did sit there, with water too, knowing that 2 of the 6 ounces would give me a buzz.  AND IT DID.   Really.  Light weight bitch here.  I got another half pour, and actually had to leave half of that on the bar. 

Then I had to go home and sit and think about what I had done, and realize I was too buzzed to even drive to the Hampton Target!  WOW drinking is not good for me!

I honestly felt partially ashamed-- like why did I have to drink?  Part was in celebration.  Couldn't I have had a nice cheesecake at the Chocolate Bar instead?  No my ass had to startle my system with dry red wine.

So after I sobered up a little I go to Target.  I don't feel like doing ANYTHING.  I'm still feeling buzzed, and say fuck it to going grocery shopping afterward, so I just get "target food" aka "shit packaged with preservatives food" to tidy me over til Sunday. 

I drug my ass up my steps with a 20lb dog food bag in one hand, and my keys and 7 bags of the "god knows what cost me $100 at Target" in the other hand. 

I make a pizza, relax, watch a little Sex in the City season 2 with my pups on my lap, and calm down. 

Am I happy I drank tonight?  Honestly I wish I hadn't.  I did what I hope to do WHEN I drink: Have one or two in a longer period of time, while having great conversations, and have a lot of water. 

I came out of this challenge knowing what I want now.  Laid back, "one or two" kind of nights, when invited.  Not "because I'm bored" like today.  I didn't feel good after that.  I was still bored after I left. 

Here goes: I'm going to be a changed woman.  Determined.  Even though Kristen told me today "Better get your tolerance back up in time for MU homecoming bitch."  LOL

Gotta love my friends!

p.s. I think I'm actually hungover now from that fucking 8 ounces of wine, at 3am.  >:(

Last Day Hooray!

So today, Tuesday was the last day of the 2 week challenge.

It started with me getting up after 1pm as usual.

My day began with a late lunch with Spencer at one of my favorite restaurants in the West End.  While there, we both stayed liquor free of course, just bs-ed about the business and relaxed.  Then the owner approaches me "Omg Denise omg!  I need your geek help!"

?  Geek?

She needed me to fix a computer that had a virus on it.  ughhhhhhhhhhh.   Not exactly my forte.  But I did it.  I'm a baller that saves computers' lives.

I digress.  She was like "Hey, let me get you a good drink, eh?"
"No, I'll stick to cappuccinos."
"Nonsense!" she says.  "You need a drink!"

Really?  REALLY?  Even restaurateurs are telling me to drink :(   I was good and stuck to espresso products.  What an afternoon though-- almost makes you need a...

*

I decided to head to Brentwood to look at new laptops and go shoe shopping (literally has taken the place of my drinking).  I guess saving money isn't easy when the things that replace drinking habits for me are more shopping and quality dinners out.   Hell I'm hard to train.

Planning to keep myself totally preoccupied, I then went to see the movie Inglorious Bastards with my friend Andrew.  AWESOME movie at the lovely Chase Park Plaza.

Long movie at the Chase Park Plaza...  Hm.  What time did that get over...

What? It's after midnight?  I could have a drink now, technically, couldn't I?

What? We have to go get the valet stub validated at the concierge table in my favorite martini bar in the West End, Cafe Eau?  Oh that is a shame.  (ME WANT DRINKY!!)

... I didn't do it.  For the 800th time today I was good.  No worries.  I will say I wanted to though.  Like how many people would have said "oh well, fuck it, it's the last day, have a drink."  I'M A PRO.

The whole way home I was like "So, friend, drinks? NO!  We shouldn't.  Well, Maybe we should,.. NO I won't.  Son of a bitch this is weird!"

Sadly, (but proudly) I went home.  Totally bored.  Totally awake.  Totally thinking how great Vodka, MegaTouch Photohunt, and Toasted Ravs with ranch sounded at Calico's.  FML

"No need to drink for the hell of it" I told myself.  That's my new goal anyway.
*
*
*
EITHER WAY:  I DID IT!!!!!   So YAY ME and FUCK YOU who said I couldn't.

:D

Beautiful night, Beautiful feeling

On my way home tonight I had a great feeling: I feel healthier.   Not just like "Yay, I'm not hungover" but really just healthier in general.  Also, it may just be in my mind, but I think I am a wee bit smaller in my waist.  Just a little.  And even if it is just in my mind, that's ok, because it's making me more motivated to keep this up.  Even if it's just the food part and toning down the drinking.

I messaged a few people: "My hardest challenge is done, and 13 days down!"

Almost all of them wrote: "Wow.  Bet you're excited for Wednesday." (My official first day I could drink after the completion of this 2 week challenge)

You know what though?  I don't know if I will drink Wednesday.  I don't have the desire to.  I definitely don't want to drink "just because I can."  I miss being asked to have a drink, and regret always having to decline.  But I have been trying for a long time to only drink "when there's an event" and told myself "that I couldn't/wouldn't just randomly ask people to join me for a happy Tuesday evening of cocktails."  After this little endevor I think that will be easier.

I have money.  I feel better.  I think ultimately I will look better (can't loose too much weight, gotta keep the girls) but you get the picture.

I know sooner than later I will try a sample of the new wine at work, or sample a new martini I concocted for a customer request.  But I am really going to make a concious effort to remember how easy one slide's righttttt backkkkk into it.

Oh well, raise your caramel cappuccino glasses: "Here's to day fourteen."

And I thought yesterday was hard...

So every Sunday @8pm to Monday @8pm I take care of my grandmother.  She is not well.  Slipping physically... that's never easy for the care takers.  However when someone had a stroke that knocked out their speech sector of their brain, it's 10x harder because this lovely, and very vocal, woman is trapped.  It must be a terrible feeling.  However, it's also a terrible feeling when those two symptoms are put together and you are up til 7am hearing her bumbling, incoherent screams.

I emailed my mom at 5am like "I love you.  I love her.  And I do not want to resent either of you because of my assistance in her care program.  For this reason, I cannot do this anymore.  I tried-- valiantly tried-- to be there for you both.  I cannot imagine the feelings you are going through right now seeing her health deteriorate before our eyes, but I am unable to continue working with her."

I felt so bad.  But honestly I'm normally bent out of shape by Sunday after the long hours I put in at the bar.  So to go straight to a 24 hour shift isn't healthy.  Especially when I continue my sleep schedule being awake til 4 or 5am, and then Grandma needs to be up at 8am.  AHHHHHHHHH fml.

So today I was in a bad spot.  If I ever had a drink at Grandma's it was after midnight and a half shot.  Just a little something.  I'm too paranoid that something would happen and I'd be labeled "that caretaker that had a drink."  So I was good there, but the thoughts that went though my head were insane.

I basically had a minor panic attack.  I was so stressed from hearing her voice coming from the baby monitor that I was just tweeking and panicked and fucked up til 7am.  A few different times I tried to go to sleep, and turned off the TV.  Then I'd freak out that she wouldn't shut up and I'd turn the TV back on and try to relax.  It was a horrible experience.  Along with other things that come with an elderly person that can't take care of themselves, it was just enough to push me over the edge.

I left tonight happy I finally stood up to my family.  I told my Grandma I may not be back as an employee, I told my mom I couldn't work there anymore, and I asked my brother's mother-in-law, (the primary caregiver) if she would be interested in taking an extra day.

It was a large wave of relief.  I am going to focus on work and getting my personal life back together.  I have been looking a new apartments, and am excited for something refreshing to come into my life.

It's amazing what people can go through.  What people can survive when it's for family.  This is not the end of the road, just a new turn for me and my role in my Grandma's care.  But hopefully this will be best for everyone.  I'll can still be available to help here or there, but not as a stressed out, tired mess who resents every moment of Sunday and Monday.

I hope that I can fix my own emotions with out needing some mood altering medicine, or too much alcohol.  I think I'm learning a lot about my personal limits.  This in particular is a wonderful surprise that stemmed from this challenge.  Again, I believe more and more everyday my friends should all try this.

What do you mean it's not a full moon?

So on this busy weekend at the wine bar in Belleville, I have actually been feeling good.  The stress of the extra hours hasn't made me "crave" the Vodka, and I kicked ass Friday night in general.  Good people, good service, good money.

However TODAY was a completely different story.  We are all feeling it: the "didn't I just do this?  Did I even sleep or have I just been here the whole time?"  The people were also different-- a little more hillbilly, a little less savvy on tipping standards.

So I am not sure if it was the hours, the poor tips, or what, but I had the headache from hell.  Throw in our "surprise!" staffing changes for the weekend and I was on 2 painkillers every 4 hours.  GET ME OUT OF HERE type of thing.

The staff saw it in my face--and heard me complain lol-- but the regulars told me I was still at my A game.  I was done.

When the staff started leaving, they were all like "Holler, time to drink, what a weekend, etc."  I was like "This.  This is going to be hard later when the closing staff is letting loose."

I texted a few close friends who have been supportive of my challenge around 1am and warned them that I was in a bad spot.  Would I have drank? Honestly, no.  But MUTHAH FUCKAH I wanted to.  SOOOO badly.  Even boss's broseph was like "OOH! Free Wine!"

>:(  Like, really new kid?  Really?  Right in front of me?  Get your shit away from my bar.   And take those extra bottles just in case.  Go. Go.  My boss was cool and threw away the ones I like since Doug left and I wasn't having it.  (Doug's still kickin ass too... 13 days hollah)  So the lack of wine around helped.

It helped til about 3:15.  I was done cleaning from the crazy weekend.  Boss went and got some smoked gouda and summer sausage-- my favorite accessory to a good dry red.

"COUNT MY MONEY AND LET ME LEAVE" I say with my eyes to boss.  Get me out of here.  Yet he continues to slowly count, and slowly eat da Gouda and drink ze Beer.  At 4am when I was still there, and still off the clock, I snapped.  I raised my voice to him for the first time and was like "Just take the shortage, I don't care, I'm here unpaid and against my will, I'm out.  Get it done."

I couldn't really be social for the usual Denny's trip, or pay a visit to casa de Doug for a half bottle, I had to just keep driving and try to defuse my situation.

Inhale...
Exhale...

I kept getting reply texts throughout the wee hours of the morning: "Did you do it?  Did you drink?"

"No" I said with pride.  My hardest challenge and I passed.  Yay me.

And the praise of my colleagues and friends made it all the better.  Another day.

Holy Shit I'm Tired

So this weekend is Belleville's notorious "chili cook-off weekend"--it looks like half carnival half cook off, all on Main Street right outside my bar!  So needless to say we are going in early, and leaving late.

For the challenge, I thought the weekends would be the easiest since I get off after all the bars close--WRONG!   I was EXHAUSTED five times over last night, up from coffee, down from food, up from Red Bull, and was like "What's next?"  NOTHING.  I am quite proud of myself.  It's been 10 days.

And I do feel good.  Do I think I could do this forever?  No.  Do I want to do this forever? No.  But I'm not going to wash the two week detox (excuse the pun) down the drain; I want to take things more slow for now on.  Sure everyone has a "bad night" here or there, but I want to limit those as well.  I am fun without drinking.  Right?

Right? Staff of wine bar?  Right? Charles?

Whatev bitches.

A Good Day

I woke up a little late for it being my day off, but relaxed all afternoon with the windows and doors open, and the wind coming through.   Around 4:45 I ran to the bank; always friendly faces there. 

I had a nice evening at Park Avenue Coffee looking at new apartment prospects and networking prospects, and had my afternoon crack (my latte).  This same latte is what's keeping me up right now at 2am writing blogs and searching Craigslist over and over.

My pal Josh invited me over tonight for some "Good primetime TV" and lasagna and chocolate gooey butter cake.  Fuck yes.

As I'm getting ready, my neighbor says he has tickets to see a Kings of Leon concert, FREE tickets, and I have no one to call and say "can you be ready in 5 minutes?"  Oh well, I only knew a few of their songs anyway.  And my neighbor and his friends were already kind of drunk before the show, so it was likely I would have felt some pressure there.  No thank you.

Josh's house was great.   Good food, (thank you Chef Amie!) good dessert, and What?  What is this?  Josh bought hot apple cider and Bacardi Rum.  I smelled it.  I won't lie.  But they were supportive when they found out the drink they offered me couldn't be drank.  I explained the situation for my two week challenge and they were down.

I came home and got back online, watched Rounders, and am about to go to bed.

Two things:
#1 I do feel nice right now knowing that alcohol doesn't sound good to me, literally.  The IDEA of drinking sounds good to me.  The SOCIALIZATION sounds good to me.  TASTING new things sounds good to me.  But the feelings that come along with drinking I do not miss: Bloating, Same Old Drink, Hangovers.  Seriosuly, I have been so sick of Vodka Sprite and Vodka Redbull, but I don't like anything else!  Nothing sounded good to me!  So,... that's perfect.

#2 Unfortnately, I don't feel more alert, and more willing to do things.  My friend Doug said he really feels a difference if he hasn't drank for a few days, and gets more accomplished in his day.  I still wake up at 1pm and still hate housework; albiet maybe that's just me :)  I'm waiting to feel more motivated; but I guess that's hard when you run my schedule.  My "evening/night" is everyone else's sleep time.  So when I'm most awake, everyone is like "Nah, I have to go to bed soon."  I think that's the reason I ever do feel lonely-- it's always after 11pm. 

Oh well, day 8 down.  Welcome busy weekend!  Make that scrilla!

Scare me more

First and foremost I have to thank everyone for the support I'm receiving from you all.

Ok... now that that's said:
It's starting to freak me the fuck out that I'm getting invitations to AA.  I know the title of my blog and all, and I know that last's night's blog was a little more "real" than I even intended this site to get, but I never expected people to look past the site for entertainment value and possible encouragement to try this on their own.

I have great friends.  May not see them very often, but they are out there.  I have to thank Jen in particular for your constant attention to my challenge here.  You are such a bright spot in my life and I thank you.

I have also gotten a few emails saying that I should keep this up.  That I will "overcome" all my "issues."

THAT is bothering me.

I am social.  I do drink.  But I am just looking to slow my roll and discover what is driving me.  It is what people do at 26: find themselves a little better.

Who knows how I will feel in another week.  But wow.  What an eye opener.

I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW ENLIGHTENING THIS 2 WEEK CHALLENGE IS.  Try it.

A Lonely, Vicious Cycle

I honestly just drove down Lindell/Olive crying.  Not a small tear, crying....

Earlier I decided I wanted to go see a movie.  Since my girlfriends all live in other cities, I only have a few options when I'm single: Snag a guy friend, a gay friend, or go alone.  When I realized those options were unavailable, I was like, "What's the next best thing?  Go see Matt Damon's new movie, The Informant, at the Moolah!"  (He is after all, my true future husband if he ever gets divorced).

So off I went, a little down, but as a few friends have said "It's liberating to go out alone once in a while."  Sure it is guys... sure it is.

While the movie was great, I got a text from a friend toward the end:
"You went alone? I gotta stir you up a man."  To which I replied, and admitted:
"I'm completely lonely.  I think drinking has hidden that for me.  Which that thought has now made me completely depressed....I don't know how to be alone."
(I had said it.  For once not just in my thoughts, to someone.)

Wait.... Wait and listen to the silence coming from my phone while this newer friend is asking them self "Whaaa?"

The friend apologized for the moment of silence and then went on to say "I am sorry you are lonely.  It seems people run away from people when they are at their loneliest moments."

THINK ABOUT THAT.  It's true.  Or maybe the only the lonely think it's true.  Either way, it's true in the eyes of the beholder.  (Next time a friend is down, think about this exact feeling.  I know I will.)

So, all of this conversation was on my way out of the theater and when I got into me car.  I really got to me!  I felt ill-- like I was having a shortness a breathe, nausea, and a light-headed spell.  I think that feeling is a problem with anxiety.

Now I wanted to drink the most.  As I approached Market Street, getting closer to home, I started to realize:
NOT DRINKING MAKES YOU REALIZE YOUR PROBLEMS.  THEN YOU WANT TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS THE WAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE.  I SOMETIMES DRANK TO FIX MY DEPRESSION, AND HERE I AM WANTING ONE.

But no.  I'm convinced that this feeling is normal.  I wanna ask the people out there that have been to an AA class: Is there a day when you feel sick?  Where you realize you are more depressed than you were when you were "mostly happy but drinking?"  And if so, is this a phase that has to pass?

This challenge was supposed to be 14 days.  I'm half way there.  About over the hill.  But if my growing process takes longer, I may go longer.  Or I may have a drink after this time period but keep it light.   I'm not sure yet, I have to see how the second half goes.

But I'll say this:  Now I know why my friends who are successfully in AA stay busier than hell:  You have to keep your mind occupied at all times if your OLD way of life meant socializing in restaurants and bars.  And I don't mean drinking or drinking a lot, I just mean being there, and maybe having 1 or 5, but MAN I need more to do.  More to keep my mind busy.

One more day off and then I have my five days of busy again.

Deep breathe.  Wipe the tears.  Eat a pop-tart.  Read a blog.  Look at Craigslist real-estate.  Go to bed.

In place of drinking...

...I will drink at least one light latte a day and not feel guilty about the 100 calories or the $4.

Also, I will go to the Galleria for a gift card and leave having spent almost $300!   What is wrong with me.  I guess I can't sit at home.  If I'm out, I'm a consumer.  Atleast I'll look hot now while enjoying teas, waters, red bulls and entrees. 

And for the nay-sayers that are going to say "Then don't go to commercial places like restaurants or malls: when I got home I went to the park with my dogs for and hour. 

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY!

I'm going out tonight for my sister in law's birthday.  They aren't really drinkers, so a nice family dinner at a nice family restaurant will do me well.

Am I.... Food Drunk??

Ahhhhhh I was bored and decided to go to my usual watering hole with my usual watering hole partner, Charles.  He tactfully said "Care to get dinner?" instead of "Care to join me while I have drinks and food and you have food?"  Calico's is a great night spot: always a friendly bartender that know's your name-- and your drink.  "Absolut Sprite Denise?"

"Uh, no, I'm doing water for now."

"Oh, ok.  Here's a menu."

I was so excited.  I opened the large tri-fold menu and start looking at seafood entrees.  (I can afford entrees now since I'm not spending $30 on drinks alone.)  "Uh, Dee, it's just apps and pizzas after 11, you know."  FUCKKKKKK.  No liquor, no fried food, no fast food.  DAMN YOU APPETIZERS.

"Maybe I'll have the Spin Artichoke Dip n Chips"
"Chips are fried"
"Maybe I'll have Chicken Nachos"
"Chips are fried.  Maybe you should have your usual Toasted Ravs?"
"Toasted means fried."
:(

So I have a Chicken Quesadilla with extra Quacamole and I'm so proud of myself.  Quesa and a water.  $8.75 plus tax.  Wait... What's this feeling?  I feel like hell.  Uh....... my stomach.  I feel dizzy.  Does liquor normally coat my stomach when I eat this shit?  Does the Sprite neutralize the grease?  I feel food drunk.

Stupid greasy food with no Vodka Sprite.  Hate you.

Anyway, I still think that if you are used to drinking, you will still feel "fake buzzed" as you watch your friend(s) drink their normal drinks while you sit there sipping "something."

Oh I miss you Vodka.   We shall meet again soon.

You know it's time to blog when...

...you text someone "god, not drinking is boring."

:(

Today was NOT GOOD.  My little saga started out when I got to my "other job": I take care of my grandmother for 24 hours on Sunday/Monday.  She had a stroke recently, and lost her ability to say half the words she wants-- it is terribly stressful for all parties.  My mom, who also shares some responsibility for the week, said "Oh today has been bad."  She opens the fridge, where in lies a bottle of cheap chilled rose wine.  "I left the rest here for you--you may need it."

"Hello mom... I'm currently trying to not drink!"

"Ohhhhhh that's right.  I forgot"  I swear those words are fucking contagious.  They are the new swine flu.

I blew it off and got to work.  Things were fine: Grandma got to bed by 10pm as usual, I was up til 4am as usual coming off my weekend of bar tending.  And then at 7am I hear: "MARYYYYYYYYYY!  MARYYY come HELP me!" (My name's not Mary)

"What?!?  What's wrong?  Why/how are you up from bed?  You aren't supposed to do that!!"

And then I saw it: she had some how torn some skin mid sleep and was a bloody mess.  O. M. G.  I was not awake enough for this shit.  "Don't think of the three vodkas in the cabinet, or the cheap rose in the fridge..." I thought to myself.   After 30 minutes of hell, we were off to an early day.  A long day.  A "What The FUCK are you still talking for?" kind of day.  The constant talking is killing me.  She is so stressed she can't communicate properly, she keeps trying and trying.  However you cannot be verbally aggressive with her, you have to treat her like a blossoming child who only responds well to constructive conversational tones.  The issue with taking care of an elderly woman, who is also a loved one, is you HAVE to put yourself in their shoes.  You absolutely have to.  She's the best woman ever, who has been traumatized with the loss of her husband, and the paralization and recent loss of her only son, let alone her recent stroke.  She needs someone to help her with every single move, and doesn't know meds from meds we are forced to give her per her doctors.

After this shift, the "end of my business week," I need a drink.  Every Monday.  8:16pm when I get back to St. Louis.  Yet tonight, even with the invitiation to go out with Charles, I am being good.  Charles has been reluctantly supportive of his new "sober susie" friend, but even I want a drink tonight.

I cannot I cannot I cannot.  Monday's have to be the worst for me.  It has to be.  Hopefully.

On a lighter note, my writing and my detox have encouraged a few friends to try something new: A close friend and co-worker has been doing this for the last six days with me.  Another co-worker is now going to try a one week detox.  Another friend is starting a blog he's always wanted to do.  It is a very cool feeling to see my stupid little challenge and my ranting encourage someone else to do something progressive.

Kudos to you all.  Let's all kick ass together.

Oh, and one last thing, that has nothing to do with this blog: FUCK YOU Ups Ground!  My package is still in transit?  >:(  That's right, a mean face to you.

Oh, I forgot you were doing that

So people are starting to come around.  They are starting to realize I'm serious about this challenge.  Yes, it's odd to maybe just detox for 2 weeks, but I believe in small attainable goals--ones that when you reach them, encourage you to be better.  If I set my sights on something grander and fail, like my past two attempts for 1 month of sobriety, then you just remember "Oh yeah, I can't even go three days!"

It is rough though, being a bartender.  Guests, as well as staff, are coming to me going "Oh have you tried this before?  Here's a sample to taste!"  And before I know it, there's a little plastic cup on my bottom lip.  "Get that thing away you bitch!  Remember??" 

... "Maybe by the 14th day I'll remember" jokes my co-bartender.  But atleast she's trying. 

The biggest blow to my ego happened last night around 1am.   See, at the wine bar we have a Saturday night ritual of consuming a few (9) of the still opened "wines by the glass" bottles.   As the closer,  I normally join the group about two hours too late.  So that, and the 30 minute drive I have home, allow me to have about 2 glasses and roll out.  I'm kind of used to not being wasted every Saturday.  HOWEVER last night, I kicked ass and really sold almost all of the wine at the last minute.  So the boss grabs a "tasting bottle" he got from a distributor.  Uh oh.  "Is that J. Lohr Hilltop Cab?" I ask.  "Yeah, I knew you weren't going to make it more than a few days Deeisel!!" jokes the one staff member still around to enjoy the Saturday festivities. 

"Listen LADY!  I'm not drinking!  It just sucks that for the first time in almost 6 MONTHS boss is opening a bottle that isn't a wine by the glass!" 

She had no faith!  Fuck!  I was so proud of myself.  I worked hard to get done early, watched boss count the money, while him and lady drank that fabulous cab, and I just sat.  Honestly people can't believe I'm still doing this.

And while I felt like shit this morning (2pm) from a long, long Oktoberfest weekend in Belleville, tired as hell, I am still functioning better in general.  I am surprised though that I haven't lost a pound.  I guess four days isn't long, but I hope to see a little bit of a difference by next week.  I am definitely staying away from the fast food after this is over.  I did that for like 3 years at one point, I can do it again.

Starting to feel it: Good and Bad

So last night at work my co-bartender made a new martini for a customer.  A wine bar tradition is for us to have to "taste the concoction to ensure quality for the customer" by making little shots from the remainder in the shaker.  She made a peach-tini and I was drooooling.  Aroma, vodka, etc etc fucking etc.  I truly had an inner craving--and was sad because I felt it was unfair I was doing this to myself.  I know why I'm trying not to drink for a bit, but the thoughts of "oh well, it's not like I can't just not drink as much" are going through my head.  Then I'm like "Why can't I do this???  It's only two weeks!!"

I'm starting to wonder if I like the socialization through drinking or like the act itself.  I have always been proud of two things:
1) I won't drink just anything.  I only drink wine or cocktails that actually taste good to me.  I'm not in it just for the alcohol.
2) I don't just drink to get drunk.  Yes the warm fuzzy feeling of vodka hitting your throat and slowly warming your body is great, but it's more than getting wasted.  I like a few.  I good buzz.

But yeah, now the staff is all intrigued by my little challenge, and they are all just counting the days.  Even the boss said "Why do people pick the oddest times to do these things??  I mean it's Oktoberfest and next week is Chili Cook-off."

Now call me crazy, but I don't drink beer, and I like chili in a small cup from Steak n Shake.  What's the big deal here?  It's not like it's my birthday, the most important holiday of the year.  It's not Mardi Gras.  I'LL BE FINE you mean co-workers.  Yes we normally congregate after long weekends and down a few bottles of wine, but I will have water... and just people watch and make fun of all you drunk bitches.

Speaking of that, two girls wandered in to the bar and shouted "I WANT TO MICATO D ASTIIIIIII!"  What?  Really?  "Would like a bottle of Bricco Moscato d'Asti (you drunk asshole?)  I'm sorry ladies, I need you to atleast drink this water and then we'll see."

Holy shit, that was SOOO me severalllll times over the last 6 years.  I mean, I wasn't at nice bars.  I was on the landing and at Lafayette's and Big Daddy's Soulard.  But it was like a light: I don't want to ever look like those two girls, who were there to meet their three sober friends.  Their sober, delightful friends, who ordered a Moscato d'Asti properly and enjoyed it, while the other girls shouted "WELL I GUESS SHE'S NOT GIVING US STUFF TO DRINK HERE.  WE'LL BE A BIG DADDY'S"  Ha!!!  I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns.  I've been happy in the past when a bartender did that for me; I just didn't know it until the next morning :)

Overall I am actually feeling good today.  I've never been a morning person, but in general I feel good.  Let's see if that trend continues!

Still feel old!

So part of this little project is to actually FEEL better, not just spend better, look better, and not be a drunk bitch at a Belleville dive bar doing my 13th kareoke song to Nirvana's "Come as you are," or twirling with 44-year old bears after hours under the 44w and Vandeventer underpass at the world's best bear bar. 

I woke up today and feel like a truck hit me.   Not exactly how I expected to feel after a few days of good behavior.  However I also understand that a true detox would take weeks and maybe months because of months and months of putting toxins into my body.  Also, it could have been the Hamburger Helper I ate at 4:30 am  :(   Who knows.

First day at work, someone's trying to tell me something!!

So I went into the wine bar last night for work like "well, the next 4 days I basically work my balls off, so I won't have to worry about drinking."

Enter 5:01pm: I was making a chocolate martini, and I had Bailey's on top the bar.  Myself or the patron in front of me, not sure because I was in a tizzy, knocked the Bailey's bottle right off the bar and it flew at me.  And then I realized: Bailey's is mad at me!  Instead of drinking some last night at SubZero, I just ate Bailey's flavored gelato.  Bailey's and the world are like, "WTF Deeisel, you should be drinking."  ha...  Maybe not, but that's what I was thinking.

So throughout the night, I told some staff, and a few regulars about my little 2 week detox challenge.   The regulars were surprised, joked a little, but were supportive.  And apparently I have 15 drinks to have with 15 regulars on that 15th day.  lol

HOWEVER, my boss, and two of my closest co workers and a good regular all decided to start a poll.  "What day will Dee fuck it up?"  >:(   Dickish!!  Be more supportive assholes!

And then to top it off, the woman of the group orders my new cocktail I created, and sips that shit right in front of me.   I.... was.... drooling.

Dammit.

All before 10am

WOW.  Wtf is going on?

So I found  that my friend who is also a Blogger had ads on his blog, and I was like "Wow, it's only been 2 weeks, how are you so baller?  Did those companies contact you??"  "Naw, it's easy to sign up."

So last night I signed up for AdSense when I created this little journal.  AND WHAT IS ON THERE TODAY?  Google Ads pimping itself, and a HUGE Jose Cuervo ad with a delightful Margarita!  Really??  Did they look at the name??   It's almost so ironic I want to leave the ad up, but I may have to pull it.

Also, I did send a few friends texts last nights that I started this.  About five knew I blogged previously, three that are new friends and I thought they'd get a kick out of watching me torture myself for two weeks.  The last person is a dear dear friend of mine that happens to be in AA.  Three years sober.  (You go!)  And I have a text this morning "Uh.  I think you may have a problem."

... me?  A Problem?

I was like "No, no silly, it's just a journal talking about my detox plan, also with a clever name.  That's all."

"Uh, Dee, go to AA.org and read the  "Am I an alcoholic page, then read your first two blog entries, and then let me know how you'd feel reading this."  Hm.  The friend has a point.  Friend says "look I'm just pointing it out, not trying to freak you out."  So no pressure what so ever.   But it does make one think.   Boo.

Time for espresso.

Teasing Myself

So I had a lazy day.  I sauntered around the house.  "Had to" go down two flights of apartment complex steps to get my now wrinkled laundry from the laundry room.  I basically felt like shit....

Today was the day to change.

I started with coffee at my local shoppe and got online for a bit.  Perfectly good way to spend a day off.  Then I get my first intriguing text: "Happy Hour??"

"No thanks," I respond.  "I'm not drinking for two weeks."

A seriously pause screaming WHAT THE FUCK came from both his phone and mine.  My best drinking buddy's jaw was then picked off the floor as he texts back, "Uh, since when. Why?"  I told him the story and my reasoning and said I'd join him anyway.  To which he responded with a "Hells no can I drink with a Sober Susie."  Hm.  So I say "Then what else can we do?"

... WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO.

Ever realized that you'd plan a wine accompaniment to almost anything?  THINK ABOUT IT.  Preparatory "to go" drinks for a night out of drinking with the pals?  Like you aren't going to get buzzed fast enough already at the lounge?  I mean honestly, anything I do outside of work and sleep either involves an espresso or a cocktail.  Do people ever sit with nothing?  Bottle de aqua para me?  I honestly blame it on my need to be a "consumer" yet constantly be out experiencing the city.  A girlfriend of mine used to be the "water girl."  Call it fear of driving after even one drink, or just being cheap, but that girl felt absolutely no guilt for just sitting.  Well someone has to be the patron!  I said: "Uh... I can't keep spending all the money so we have a reason to dress up and come out."  Maybe some people never really think of it that way, but I was in the "industry" and felt consumer guilt.  So that's my excuse: "I have to get something... might as well be vodka."  Yummy...

AH.  Anyway.  I ended up meeting for happy hour.  I WAS GOOD!  I drank a water, and watched friend Charles down two Vodka Redbulls.  Then the inevitable happened, "I'm hungry, feel like sushi?"  "Well actually I just treated myself to a really good seafood entree at Square One Brewery.  Not drinking means I can afford entrees not fried crap."  "Well, I'm going to Sub Zero if you wanna go."

Well shit.  Of course I had nothing else to do.   Dishes or going to a great restaurant and bar.

So at Sub Zero we sat.  Poor bartender had to brew coffee for me.  (I was that bitch.)  WHY did we come here I asked myself.  My favorite vodka bar.  As the bartender exquisitely crafted each shaken cocktail, I noticed my legs were shaking under my bar stool.   Where did that sudden head ache come from?  Fuck my life this was a dumb idea...

But you know, after some great gelato (albeit Bailey's flavored) and some yummy kung fu rolls, I was satisfied.   Sure I had to smell Charles' La Crema Chardonnay.  I'm an enthusiast....

After dessert at Coffee Cartel, I was fine.  But really, what a dumb day one though.  Bottom line, I had fun, and got helpful advice from the Sub Zero bartender: "If you are trying to cut down on drinking, you're in the wrong place girl."

Note to self.

The Reason

I'm a woman on a merry-go-round. I don't remember standing in line.  I don't remember paying.  Have I ridden this ride before?  Wait, why does this feel the same as yesterday?  Uh.... I feel sick.  Why am I on this fucking ride?  I need to get off....

Exactly how I felt today.  And yesterday.  Not the three days prior, because I work 13 hours shifts and leave my bar after Illinois and Missouri bar times are called and I can only do the Sauget district once a quarter.  However, I probably would have gone out was I not at work.  Thank god for work, I make money.  No drinky.

Anyway, I am going to try to not drink, not eat fast food, and not eat fried food for two weeks.  The last two generally come with drinking, so that should be easy.  Part of this is my need for waking up and not feeling depressed, exhausted, broke, and like a 90-year-old woman.  The other part is a bit of weight loss.  Go away twelve pounds.  Go away. 

I have tried the "One month challenge" two different times.  Each time however, I ended up drinking after only three days.  But hell, an event came up!!  Tuesday.  What was I supposed to do?  No really, that's what my association presented to me: "Dee, you do not need this."

Hey everyone: I'm aware.  I am not letting a few cocktails get in the way of my life.  But sometimes it is just nice to have a cleansing breathe dammit.   I once dated a nutritionist and  I had a perfect balance of weekly cocktails with some friends and a bottle of wine at home with a good meal once a week and then other nights home and stone sober.  I honestly miss those days.  And my bank misses the money I saved...

So this time it's the "Two week challenge" and I'm throwing it out there to ensure follow-through.  I'm not going to be unreasonable; I'm a bartender--I may need to "taste" something new that came in.  But the plan is: no beverage of my own, which would ultimately lead to three more and toasted ravs with extra ranch.   And yes, after this little experiment I will drink.  As my friends have said (this time), "It's just an incentive to feel better.  You are fine.  But nothing is wrong with being better than fine."

So there you have it.  Wanna join me?  It's harder than you think.  Email HalfWayToAA@gmail.com with your story and a title and I'll post it.