A Lonely, Vicious Cycle

I honestly just drove down Lindell/Olive crying.  Not a small tear, crying....

Earlier I decided I wanted to go see a movie.  Since my girlfriends all live in other cities, I only have a few options when I'm single: Snag a guy friend, a gay friend, or go alone.  When I realized those options were unavailable, I was like, "What's the next best thing?  Go see Matt Damon's new movie, The Informant, at the Moolah!"  (He is after all, my true future husband if he ever gets divorced).

So off I went, a little down, but as a few friends have said "It's liberating to go out alone once in a while."  Sure it is guys... sure it is.

While the movie was great, I got a text from a friend toward the end:
"You went alone? I gotta stir you up a man."  To which I replied, and admitted:
"I'm completely lonely.  I think drinking has hidden that for me.  Which that thought has now made me completely depressed....I don't know how to be alone."
(I had said it.  For once not just in my thoughts, to someone.)

Wait.... Wait and listen to the silence coming from my phone while this newer friend is asking them self "Whaaa?"

The friend apologized for the moment of silence and then went on to say "I am sorry you are lonely.  It seems people run away from people when they are at their loneliest moments."

THINK ABOUT THAT.  It's true.  Or maybe the only the lonely think it's true.  Either way, it's true in the eyes of the beholder.  (Next time a friend is down, think about this exact feeling.  I know I will.)

So, all of this conversation was on my way out of the theater and when I got into me car.  I really got to me!  I felt ill-- like I was having a shortness a breathe, nausea, and a light-headed spell.  I think that feeling is a problem with anxiety.

Now I wanted to drink the most.  As I approached Market Street, getting closer to home, I started to realize:
NOT DRINKING MAKES YOU REALIZE YOUR PROBLEMS.  THEN YOU WANT TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS THE WAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE.  I SOMETIMES DRANK TO FIX MY DEPRESSION, AND HERE I AM WANTING ONE.

But no.  I'm convinced that this feeling is normal.  I wanna ask the people out there that have been to an AA class: Is there a day when you feel sick?  Where you realize you are more depressed than you were when you were "mostly happy but drinking?"  And if so, is this a phase that has to pass?

This challenge was supposed to be 14 days.  I'm half way there.  About over the hill.  But if my growing process takes longer, I may go longer.  Or I may have a drink after this time period but keep it light.   I'm not sure yet, I have to see how the second half goes.

But I'll say this:  Now I know why my friends who are successfully in AA stay busier than hell:  You have to keep your mind occupied at all times if your OLD way of life meant socializing in restaurants and bars.  And I don't mean drinking or drinking a lot, I just mean being there, and maybe having 1 or 5, but MAN I need more to do.  More to keep my mind busy.

One more day off and then I have my five days of busy again.

Deep breathe.  Wipe the tears.  Eat a pop-tart.  Read a blog.  Look at Craigslist real-estate.  Go to bed.