Scare me more

First and foremost I have to thank everyone for the support I'm receiving from you all.

Ok... now that that's said:
It's starting to freak me the fuck out that I'm getting invitations to AA.  I know the title of my blog and all, and I know that last's night's blog was a little more "real" than I even intended this site to get, but I never expected people to look past the site for entertainment value and possible encouragement to try this on their own.

I have great friends.  May not see them very often, but they are out there.  I have to thank Jen in particular for your constant attention to my challenge here.  You are such a bright spot in my life and I thank you.

I have also gotten a few emails saying that I should keep this up.  That I will "overcome" all my "issues."

THAT is bothering me.

I am social.  I do drink.  But I am just looking to slow my roll and discover what is driving me.  It is what people do at 26: find themselves a little better.

Who knows how I will feel in another week.  But wow.  What an eye opener.

I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW ENLIGHTENING THIS 2 WEEK CHALLENGE IS.  Try it.

A Lonely, Vicious Cycle

I honestly just drove down Lindell/Olive crying.  Not a small tear, crying....

Earlier I decided I wanted to go see a movie.  Since my girlfriends all live in other cities, I only have a few options when I'm single: Snag a guy friend, a gay friend, or go alone.  When I realized those options were unavailable, I was like, "What's the next best thing?  Go see Matt Damon's new movie, The Informant, at the Moolah!"  (He is after all, my true future husband if he ever gets divorced).

So off I went, a little down, but as a few friends have said "It's liberating to go out alone once in a while."  Sure it is guys... sure it is.

While the movie was great, I got a text from a friend toward the end:
"You went alone? I gotta stir you up a man."  To which I replied, and admitted:
"I'm completely lonely.  I think drinking has hidden that for me.  Which that thought has now made me completely depressed....I don't know how to be alone."
(I had said it.  For once not just in my thoughts, to someone.)

Wait.... Wait and listen to the silence coming from my phone while this newer friend is asking them self "Whaaa?"

The friend apologized for the moment of silence and then went on to say "I am sorry you are lonely.  It seems people run away from people when they are at their loneliest moments."

THINK ABOUT THAT.  It's true.  Or maybe the only the lonely think it's true.  Either way, it's true in the eyes of the beholder.  (Next time a friend is down, think about this exact feeling.  I know I will.)

So, all of this conversation was on my way out of the theater and when I got into me car.  I really got to me!  I felt ill-- like I was having a shortness a breathe, nausea, and a light-headed spell.  I think that feeling is a problem with anxiety.

Now I wanted to drink the most.  As I approached Market Street, getting closer to home, I started to realize:
NOT DRINKING MAKES YOU REALIZE YOUR PROBLEMS.  THEN YOU WANT TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS THE WAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE.  I SOMETIMES DRANK TO FIX MY DEPRESSION, AND HERE I AM WANTING ONE.

But no.  I'm convinced that this feeling is normal.  I wanna ask the people out there that have been to an AA class: Is there a day when you feel sick?  Where you realize you are more depressed than you were when you were "mostly happy but drinking?"  And if so, is this a phase that has to pass?

This challenge was supposed to be 14 days.  I'm half way there.  About over the hill.  But if my growing process takes longer, I may go longer.  Or I may have a drink after this time period but keep it light.   I'm not sure yet, I have to see how the second half goes.

But I'll say this:  Now I know why my friends who are successfully in AA stay busier than hell:  You have to keep your mind occupied at all times if your OLD way of life meant socializing in restaurants and bars.  And I don't mean drinking or drinking a lot, I just mean being there, and maybe having 1 or 5, but MAN I need more to do.  More to keep my mind busy.

One more day off and then I have my five days of busy again.

Deep breathe.  Wipe the tears.  Eat a pop-tart.  Read a blog.  Look at Craigslist real-estate.  Go to bed.

In place of drinking...

...I will drink at least one light latte a day and not feel guilty about the 100 calories or the $4.

Also, I will go to the Galleria for a gift card and leave having spent almost $300!   What is wrong with me.  I guess I can't sit at home.  If I'm out, I'm a consumer.  Atleast I'll look hot now while enjoying teas, waters, red bulls and entrees. 

And for the nay-sayers that are going to say "Then don't go to commercial places like restaurants or malls: when I got home I went to the park with my dogs for and hour. 

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY!

I'm going out tonight for my sister in law's birthday.  They aren't really drinkers, so a nice family dinner at a nice family restaurant will do me well.

Am I.... Food Drunk??

Ahhhhhh I was bored and decided to go to my usual watering hole with my usual watering hole partner, Charles.  He tactfully said "Care to get dinner?" instead of "Care to join me while I have drinks and food and you have food?"  Calico's is a great night spot: always a friendly bartender that know's your name-- and your drink.  "Absolut Sprite Denise?"

"Uh, no, I'm doing water for now."

"Oh, ok.  Here's a menu."

I was so excited.  I opened the large tri-fold menu and start looking at seafood entrees.  (I can afford entrees now since I'm not spending $30 on drinks alone.)  "Uh, Dee, it's just apps and pizzas after 11, you know."  FUCKKKKKK.  No liquor, no fried food, no fast food.  DAMN YOU APPETIZERS.

"Maybe I'll have the Spin Artichoke Dip n Chips"
"Chips are fried"
"Maybe I'll have Chicken Nachos"
"Chips are fried.  Maybe you should have your usual Toasted Ravs?"
"Toasted means fried."
:(

So I have a Chicken Quesadilla with extra Quacamole and I'm so proud of myself.  Quesa and a water.  $8.75 plus tax.  Wait... What's this feeling?  I feel like hell.  Uh....... my stomach.  I feel dizzy.  Does liquor normally coat my stomach when I eat this shit?  Does the Sprite neutralize the grease?  I feel food drunk.

Stupid greasy food with no Vodka Sprite.  Hate you.

Anyway, I still think that if you are used to drinking, you will still feel "fake buzzed" as you watch your friend(s) drink their normal drinks while you sit there sipping "something."

Oh I miss you Vodka.   We shall meet again soon.

You know it's time to blog when...

...you text someone "god, not drinking is boring."

:(

Today was NOT GOOD.  My little saga started out when I got to my "other job": I take care of my grandmother for 24 hours on Sunday/Monday.  She had a stroke recently, and lost her ability to say half the words she wants-- it is terribly stressful for all parties.  My mom, who also shares some responsibility for the week, said "Oh today has been bad."  She opens the fridge, where in lies a bottle of cheap chilled rose wine.  "I left the rest here for you--you may need it."

"Hello mom... I'm currently trying to not drink!"

"Ohhhhhh that's right.  I forgot"  I swear those words are fucking contagious.  They are the new swine flu.

I blew it off and got to work.  Things were fine: Grandma got to bed by 10pm as usual, I was up til 4am as usual coming off my weekend of bar tending.  And then at 7am I hear: "MARYYYYYYYYYY!  MARYYY come HELP me!" (My name's not Mary)

"What?!?  What's wrong?  Why/how are you up from bed?  You aren't supposed to do that!!"

And then I saw it: she had some how torn some skin mid sleep and was a bloody mess.  O. M. G.  I was not awake enough for this shit.  "Don't think of the three vodkas in the cabinet, or the cheap rose in the fridge..." I thought to myself.   After 30 minutes of hell, we were off to an early day.  A long day.  A "What The FUCK are you still talking for?" kind of day.  The constant talking is killing me.  She is so stressed she can't communicate properly, she keeps trying and trying.  However you cannot be verbally aggressive with her, you have to treat her like a blossoming child who only responds well to constructive conversational tones.  The issue with taking care of an elderly woman, who is also a loved one, is you HAVE to put yourself in their shoes.  You absolutely have to.  She's the best woman ever, who has been traumatized with the loss of her husband, and the paralization and recent loss of her only son, let alone her recent stroke.  She needs someone to help her with every single move, and doesn't know meds from meds we are forced to give her per her doctors.

After this shift, the "end of my business week," I need a drink.  Every Monday.  8:16pm when I get back to St. Louis.  Yet tonight, even with the invitiation to go out with Charles, I am being good.  Charles has been reluctantly supportive of his new "sober susie" friend, but even I want a drink tonight.

I cannot I cannot I cannot.  Monday's have to be the worst for me.  It has to be.  Hopefully.

On a lighter note, my writing and my detox have encouraged a few friends to try something new: A close friend and co-worker has been doing this for the last six days with me.  Another co-worker is now going to try a one week detox.  Another friend is starting a blog he's always wanted to do.  It is a very cool feeling to see my stupid little challenge and my ranting encourage someone else to do something progressive.

Kudos to you all.  Let's all kick ass together.

Oh, and one last thing, that has nothing to do with this blog: FUCK YOU Ups Ground!  My package is still in transit?  >:(  That's right, a mean face to you.

Oh, I forgot you were doing that

So people are starting to come around.  They are starting to realize I'm serious about this challenge.  Yes, it's odd to maybe just detox for 2 weeks, but I believe in small attainable goals--ones that when you reach them, encourage you to be better.  If I set my sights on something grander and fail, like my past two attempts for 1 month of sobriety, then you just remember "Oh yeah, I can't even go three days!"

It is rough though, being a bartender.  Guests, as well as staff, are coming to me going "Oh have you tried this before?  Here's a sample to taste!"  And before I know it, there's a little plastic cup on my bottom lip.  "Get that thing away you bitch!  Remember??" 

... "Maybe by the 14th day I'll remember" jokes my co-bartender.  But atleast she's trying. 

The biggest blow to my ego happened last night around 1am.   See, at the wine bar we have a Saturday night ritual of consuming a few (9) of the still opened "wines by the glass" bottles.   As the closer,  I normally join the group about two hours too late.  So that, and the 30 minute drive I have home, allow me to have about 2 glasses and roll out.  I'm kind of used to not being wasted every Saturday.  HOWEVER last night, I kicked ass and really sold almost all of the wine at the last minute.  So the boss grabs a "tasting bottle" he got from a distributor.  Uh oh.  "Is that J. Lohr Hilltop Cab?" I ask.  "Yeah, I knew you weren't going to make it more than a few days Deeisel!!" jokes the one staff member still around to enjoy the Saturday festivities. 

"Listen LADY!  I'm not drinking!  It just sucks that for the first time in almost 6 MONTHS boss is opening a bottle that isn't a wine by the glass!" 

She had no faith!  Fuck!  I was so proud of myself.  I worked hard to get done early, watched boss count the money, while him and lady drank that fabulous cab, and I just sat.  Honestly people can't believe I'm still doing this.

And while I felt like shit this morning (2pm) from a long, long Oktoberfest weekend in Belleville, tired as hell, I am still functioning better in general.  I am surprised though that I haven't lost a pound.  I guess four days isn't long, but I hope to see a little bit of a difference by next week.  I am definitely staying away from the fast food after this is over.  I did that for like 3 years at one point, I can do it again.

Starting to feel it: Good and Bad

So last night at work my co-bartender made a new martini for a customer.  A wine bar tradition is for us to have to "taste the concoction to ensure quality for the customer" by making little shots from the remainder in the shaker.  She made a peach-tini and I was drooooling.  Aroma, vodka, etc etc fucking etc.  I truly had an inner craving--and was sad because I felt it was unfair I was doing this to myself.  I know why I'm trying not to drink for a bit, but the thoughts of "oh well, it's not like I can't just not drink as much" are going through my head.  Then I'm like "Why can't I do this???  It's only two weeks!!"

I'm starting to wonder if I like the socialization through drinking or like the act itself.  I have always been proud of two things:
1) I won't drink just anything.  I only drink wine or cocktails that actually taste good to me.  I'm not in it just for the alcohol.
2) I don't just drink to get drunk.  Yes the warm fuzzy feeling of vodka hitting your throat and slowly warming your body is great, but it's more than getting wasted.  I like a few.  I good buzz.

But yeah, now the staff is all intrigued by my little challenge, and they are all just counting the days.  Even the boss said "Why do people pick the oddest times to do these things??  I mean it's Oktoberfest and next week is Chili Cook-off."

Now call me crazy, but I don't drink beer, and I like chili in a small cup from Steak n Shake.  What's the big deal here?  It's not like it's my birthday, the most important holiday of the year.  It's not Mardi Gras.  I'LL BE FINE you mean co-workers.  Yes we normally congregate after long weekends and down a few bottles of wine, but I will have water... and just people watch and make fun of all you drunk bitches.

Speaking of that, two girls wandered in to the bar and shouted "I WANT TO MICATO D ASTIIIIIII!"  What?  Really?  "Would like a bottle of Bricco Moscato d'Asti (you drunk asshole?)  I'm sorry ladies, I need you to atleast drink this water and then we'll see."

Holy shit, that was SOOO me severalllll times over the last 6 years.  I mean, I wasn't at nice bars.  I was on the landing and at Lafayette's and Big Daddy's Soulard.  But it was like a light: I don't want to ever look like those two girls, who were there to meet their three sober friends.  Their sober, delightful friends, who ordered a Moscato d'Asti properly and enjoyed it, while the other girls shouted "WELL I GUESS SHE'S NOT GIVING US STUFF TO DRINK HERE.  WE'LL BE A BIG DADDY'S"  Ha!!!  I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns.  I've been happy in the past when a bartender did that for me; I just didn't know it until the next morning :)

Overall I am actually feeling good today.  I've never been a morning person, but in general I feel good.  Let's see if that trend continues!

Still feel old!

So part of this little project is to actually FEEL better, not just spend better, look better, and not be a drunk bitch at a Belleville dive bar doing my 13th kareoke song to Nirvana's "Come as you are," or twirling with 44-year old bears after hours under the 44w and Vandeventer underpass at the world's best bear bar. 

I woke up today and feel like a truck hit me.   Not exactly how I expected to feel after a few days of good behavior.  However I also understand that a true detox would take weeks and maybe months because of months and months of putting toxins into my body.  Also, it could have been the Hamburger Helper I ate at 4:30 am  :(   Who knows.

First day at work, someone's trying to tell me something!!

So I went into the wine bar last night for work like "well, the next 4 days I basically work my balls off, so I won't have to worry about drinking."

Enter 5:01pm: I was making a chocolate martini, and I had Bailey's on top the bar.  Myself or the patron in front of me, not sure because I was in a tizzy, knocked the Bailey's bottle right off the bar and it flew at me.  And then I realized: Bailey's is mad at me!  Instead of drinking some last night at SubZero, I just ate Bailey's flavored gelato.  Bailey's and the world are like, "WTF Deeisel, you should be drinking."  ha...  Maybe not, but that's what I was thinking.

So throughout the night, I told some staff, and a few regulars about my little 2 week detox challenge.   The regulars were surprised, joked a little, but were supportive.  And apparently I have 15 drinks to have with 15 regulars on that 15th day.  lol

HOWEVER, my boss, and two of my closest co workers and a good regular all decided to start a poll.  "What day will Dee fuck it up?"  >:(   Dickish!!  Be more supportive assholes!

And then to top it off, the woman of the group orders my new cocktail I created, and sips that shit right in front of me.   I.... was.... drooling.

Dammit.

All before 10am

WOW.  Wtf is going on?

So I found  that my friend who is also a Blogger had ads on his blog, and I was like "Wow, it's only been 2 weeks, how are you so baller?  Did those companies contact you??"  "Naw, it's easy to sign up."

So last night I signed up for AdSense when I created this little journal.  AND WHAT IS ON THERE TODAY?  Google Ads pimping itself, and a HUGE Jose Cuervo ad with a delightful Margarita!  Really??  Did they look at the name??   It's almost so ironic I want to leave the ad up, but I may have to pull it.

Also, I did send a few friends texts last nights that I started this.  About five knew I blogged previously, three that are new friends and I thought they'd get a kick out of watching me torture myself for two weeks.  The last person is a dear dear friend of mine that happens to be in AA.  Three years sober.  (You go!)  And I have a text this morning "Uh.  I think you may have a problem."

... me?  A Problem?

I was like "No, no silly, it's just a journal talking about my detox plan, also with a clever name.  That's all."

"Uh, Dee, go to AA.org and read the  "Am I an alcoholic page, then read your first two blog entries, and then let me know how you'd feel reading this."  Hm.  The friend has a point.  Friend says "look I'm just pointing it out, not trying to freak you out."  So no pressure what so ever.   But it does make one think.   Boo.

Time for espresso.

Teasing Myself

So I had a lazy day.  I sauntered around the house.  "Had to" go down two flights of apartment complex steps to get my now wrinkled laundry from the laundry room.  I basically felt like shit....

Today was the day to change.

I started with coffee at my local shoppe and got online for a bit.  Perfectly good way to spend a day off.  Then I get my first intriguing text: "Happy Hour??"

"No thanks," I respond.  "I'm not drinking for two weeks."

A seriously pause screaming WHAT THE FUCK came from both his phone and mine.  My best drinking buddy's jaw was then picked off the floor as he texts back, "Uh, since when. Why?"  I told him the story and my reasoning and said I'd join him anyway.  To which he responded with a "Hells no can I drink with a Sober Susie."  Hm.  So I say "Then what else can we do?"

... WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO.

Ever realized that you'd plan a wine accompaniment to almost anything?  THINK ABOUT IT.  Preparatory "to go" drinks for a night out of drinking with the pals?  Like you aren't going to get buzzed fast enough already at the lounge?  I mean honestly, anything I do outside of work and sleep either involves an espresso or a cocktail.  Do people ever sit with nothing?  Bottle de aqua para me?  I honestly blame it on my need to be a "consumer" yet constantly be out experiencing the city.  A girlfriend of mine used to be the "water girl."  Call it fear of driving after even one drink, or just being cheap, but that girl felt absolutely no guilt for just sitting.  Well someone has to be the patron!  I said: "Uh... I can't keep spending all the money so we have a reason to dress up and come out."  Maybe some people never really think of it that way, but I was in the "industry" and felt consumer guilt.  So that's my excuse: "I have to get something... might as well be vodka."  Yummy...

AH.  Anyway.  I ended up meeting for happy hour.  I WAS GOOD!  I drank a water, and watched friend Charles down two Vodka Redbulls.  Then the inevitable happened, "I'm hungry, feel like sushi?"  "Well actually I just treated myself to a really good seafood entree at Square One Brewery.  Not drinking means I can afford entrees not fried crap."  "Well, I'm going to Sub Zero if you wanna go."

Well shit.  Of course I had nothing else to do.   Dishes or going to a great restaurant and bar.

So at Sub Zero we sat.  Poor bartender had to brew coffee for me.  (I was that bitch.)  WHY did we come here I asked myself.  My favorite vodka bar.  As the bartender exquisitely crafted each shaken cocktail, I noticed my legs were shaking under my bar stool.   Where did that sudden head ache come from?  Fuck my life this was a dumb idea...

But you know, after some great gelato (albeit Bailey's flavored) and some yummy kung fu rolls, I was satisfied.   Sure I had to smell Charles' La Crema Chardonnay.  I'm an enthusiast....

After dessert at Coffee Cartel, I was fine.  But really, what a dumb day one though.  Bottom line, I had fun, and got helpful advice from the Sub Zero bartender: "If you are trying to cut down on drinking, you're in the wrong place girl."

Note to self.

The Reason

I'm a woman on a merry-go-round. I don't remember standing in line.  I don't remember paying.  Have I ridden this ride before?  Wait, why does this feel the same as yesterday?  Uh.... I feel sick.  Why am I on this fucking ride?  I need to get off....

Exactly how I felt today.  And yesterday.  Not the three days prior, because I work 13 hours shifts and leave my bar after Illinois and Missouri bar times are called and I can only do the Sauget district once a quarter.  However, I probably would have gone out was I not at work.  Thank god for work, I make money.  No drinky.

Anyway, I am going to try to not drink, not eat fast food, and not eat fried food for two weeks.  The last two generally come with drinking, so that should be easy.  Part of this is my need for waking up and not feeling depressed, exhausted, broke, and like a 90-year-old woman.  The other part is a bit of weight loss.  Go away twelve pounds.  Go away. 

I have tried the "One month challenge" two different times.  Each time however, I ended up drinking after only three days.  But hell, an event came up!!  Tuesday.  What was I supposed to do?  No really, that's what my association presented to me: "Dee, you do not need this."

Hey everyone: I'm aware.  I am not letting a few cocktails get in the way of my life.  But sometimes it is just nice to have a cleansing breathe dammit.   I once dated a nutritionist and  I had a perfect balance of weekly cocktails with some friends and a bottle of wine at home with a good meal once a week and then other nights home and stone sober.  I honestly miss those days.  And my bank misses the money I saved...

So this time it's the "Two week challenge" and I'm throwing it out there to ensure follow-through.  I'm not going to be unreasonable; I'm a bartender--I may need to "taste" something new that came in.  But the plan is: no beverage of my own, which would ultimately lead to three more and toasted ravs with extra ranch.   And yes, after this little experiment I will drink.  As my friends have said (this time), "It's just an incentive to feel better.  You are fine.  But nothing is wrong with being better than fine."

So there you have it.  Wanna join me?  It's harder than you think.  Email HalfWayToAA@gmail.com with your story and a title and I'll post it.