DTX#2 Entry 3, Day VI

What a week!! If ever there was a week that I'd like to cap off with a few beers, it's this one. Why in the hell did I decide to do this again? Oh yeah, to prove a point to myself. So, here I sit, instead of contemplating my weekend's festivities, I'm contemplating what I'm going to be doing to keep myself from getting bored this weekend. More than once I've thought "well, if I just go out one night this weekend...." but then I have to stop and remind myself that yeah, I could do it, but, come on, this is the 1/2 way point!

 

I do feel a bit of anxiety over not going out this weekend-both because of the shitty week I've had, and the fact that I think that I've peaked on my "feel-goodedness" Yeah, I'm not waking up with a foggy head and shaky hands, but then again, I'm not waking up all bright-fucking-eyed and bushy tailed either. I think it was Sinatra that said something like "the beauty of waking up hungover is that you know you're going to feel better as the day progresses. When you wake up sober, you're doomed with the knowledge that that's the best you're going to feel all day".  You tell 'em Ol' Blue Eyes.

 

Sooo... what will this weekend have in store for Mr. DTX#2? Who knows. I sure as hell don't. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll proudly display a huge sign that says "YEAH! I'M WEAK" as I slam a drink. Or, maybe I'll sit back Sunday morning, with a cup of coffee, sipping it, quietly confident that I've made it through the weekend.

 

I just don't know.

 

Pax.

Detoxer #2, Day 4, Posting 2

Well... here it is day 4, and I sit at home instead of at work. No, not because I went out last night (actually, I did, but it was for a run, not a beer).  I actually think that contributed to my feeling miserable today-allergies? a cold? H1N1? Who knows... My head's stopped up, sneezing, a little bit of chest congestion but the most annoying thing is runny nose, and a complete lack of energy. I swear I should by stock in Kleenex.  And today's supposed to be the one of the nicest days we've had in weeks! This completely sucks!! That's what I get for going out and acting like it's a summer day when it's really not. Then again, it could be that I've been coming down with something, and it just now caught up with me. Who knows... I only know that I have too much going on to let this put me down for too long. Today, the menu is rest, soup, and more rest. Maybe a little work from home action later if I'm feeling better.

 

On a positive note, before this hit, I was feeling pretty damn good. There's always tomorrow.. Hopefully this will pass and tomorrow I'll be back on my feet.

 

DTX#2

Detoxer #2, Day 2, Posting 1

I've got to say that your blog was somewhat inspirational. Like you, I've decided that it's time to "slow the roll". I need to put a governor on my engine before I blow it completely. Speed kills. I need to learn to pace myself. I'm waiting to see if I have amazing results in all other facets of my life, or if feeling pretty good today is just an anomaly.

 

Well, I'm on day two. I talked to Chelsea briefly yesterday as I was going to work out on the bag for a little while. She asked if I'd be up later, and I told her that I wouldn't be, that I was taking the "Diesel Challenge".

 

It's actually not too bad (so far). Of course, I'm a little bit luckier, in that this week promises to be really busy here at work. I figure that if I can make it through the first few days, the rest will be a breeze, though from reading your blog, it doesn't necessarily sound like it.

 

I think that most of all I'm going to miss the socialization that goes with coming to the Winetap, or any of my other haunts. What I won't miss is the money that I spend. Ouch.

 

So, last night went to Red Robin, and got a burger and a diet coke. It really felt weird, not being at Fletcher's or the Winetap (my two usual haunts)on a Saturday night. I will say that I felt pretty damn good when I got up this morning. I don't know if it was the exercise yesterday afternoon, or the fact that I didn't touch a drop last night, or both.

 

Today I'm at work (voluntarily), since I have a few things that I need to prep for this week, and some testing that I want to do. But still, it's keeping me from getting bored, and at the same time, getting me out of the house. 

 

-DTX #2

 

First fuck up

So... I was hungover yesterday.  DAMMIT it didn't take long huh?  Not that my goal was to "stop drinking," however it was to slow down.

In the last week I have had a glass of wine here, 2 martinis there.  Honestly I've been doing very good.  I went to my favorite "cocktail with lunch" place the other day, and opted for a coffee instead.

I knew there was a chance I'd be going out sometime this weekend, either with Andrew to his "my friends are going to a strip club, I guess I'll go" extravaganza after work, or with people from the wine bar.

Saturday was the end of a LONGGGG LONG LONG weekend at work.  For some reason the time was in slow motion.  That night I did most of my business in the last two hours, and had been "tasting" all night with Shelly.  (It is something we just have to do to ensure the quality of the products we serve to our guests:)

I had worked up an appetite for food and the sweet nectar that is vodka.   So while everyone else that works there was slow and got off early and started their drinking early, I busted my balls til the end and only really had my boss Dave and his brother in law sitting around.  Dave is one to stop working at this business at 3am, and get up at 6am for his other business and to take care of his family, so I knew I couldn't even get him to the local Denny's, but the brother in law was primed with 5 Jack n cokes.

You.  Youngin.  Slams from Denny's sound good?  "Yep" he says with his zany TX accent.

I took down a half bottle of wine while we were closing up shop, and then took youngin to breakfast.  Shit he needed to have some fun on his 3 week hiatus in STL.  After sitting there a bit with some eggs, biscuits and decaf, I decided I had the want and energy to go dance my ass off in Sauget. (yea yea yea shut up... it's a bartender's haven that a place is still open after 4am.)

Hey.  Youngin.  You down for drinks in the east side?  "Yupppp" says the Texan.

Mother fucker.  My mistake to take a partner in crime.  Instead of one drink and people watching and going home at 5am, I had cocktails and shots.  I didn't drink THAT much.  Just like 2 cocktails and 2 shots.  But that was all I needed.

Bleh.  The next morning I was out of it.  My body is no longer used to a mixed bag of drinking.  THIS IS A GOOD THING.  I am happy I felt bad; it was like a reminder of why I did my two week challenge.

This weekend I have Mizzou homecoming: the event that Kristen told me "I had better get my tolerence prepared for."  Well, I am not having it.  I am going to have a day off.  I am going to see my girlfriends.  I am going to enjoy the sites and interact with the energy of the city.  I was worried tho, that my friends and I are each others instigators.  However now I have a responsibilty:

The next day, Sunday, I have to move.  Really.

I found a new apartment, got a nice opportunity to move with ease, and the only day my family with a trucks can assist is that day.  FML

Ok, Dee, you can do this.   You can make sure you don't have a repeat of last year, three drunk bitches in the mean streets of Columbia barely making it back to STL in one piece.  I HAVE TO BE HOME BY 1PM AND NOTTTTT BE HUNGOVER.  My close friends know: my hangovers are NOT like normal peoples hangovers, they're redic, and I'm dead for hours.

I will not fuck up again.  I will not fuck up again.  I will not be the Lindsay Lohan of South City.  I will not and cannot be hung over for moving day.

Ok, I think I got it.  Keep you posted... :/

First Day off, not what I expect

So, today I felt so nice, waking up knowing I reached a goal.   That's a very important thing in life.  That's why I made mine attainable.   It was going to be a good day.  Another day off of work.  Get some business taken care of, a little shopping taken care of, and maybe see some friends at the coffee shop.

What's this?  I wake up a little late (1:15pm) and already I have FOUR TEXTS asking where I am drinking tonight.  Shit people!  You act like you know me!  (You are totally right, it was one of the first thoughts that went through my head: Should I keep this up?)  lol.

I sit around all lazy like, eating a classic Dee lunch: Chicken Noodle soup from a can, microwaved, with Schnucks brand oyster crackers.  (I'm an interesting little chica, no?)  I get the word that coffee time is on and sit there with Joni and Spencer for 2 or 3 hours.  "So, Joni, Spence, either of you want to go next door and grab a glass?" "Oh, I'm still on the wagon" says Joni, and Spence politely declines as well. 

So.

So I go next door, I KNOW THE OWNER AND THE STAFF SO I DIDNT GO ALONE (kind of), and choose my perfect 15th day drink.  A lovely 6 oz pour of a 2008 Siduri Pinot Noir from the Sonoma Valley.  MMMMMMMMMMM

MMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMM  It was good.

I did sit there, with water too, knowing that 2 of the 6 ounces would give me a buzz.  AND IT DID.   Really.  Light weight bitch here.  I got another half pour, and actually had to leave half of that on the bar. 

Then I had to go home and sit and think about what I had done, and realize I was too buzzed to even drive to the Hampton Target!  WOW drinking is not good for me!

I honestly felt partially ashamed-- like why did I have to drink?  Part was in celebration.  Couldn't I have had a nice cheesecake at the Chocolate Bar instead?  No my ass had to startle my system with dry red wine.

So after I sobered up a little I go to Target.  I don't feel like doing ANYTHING.  I'm still feeling buzzed, and say fuck it to going grocery shopping afterward, so I just get "target food" aka "shit packaged with preservatives food" to tidy me over til Sunday. 

I drug my ass up my steps with a 20lb dog food bag in one hand, and my keys and 7 bags of the "god knows what cost me $100 at Target" in the other hand. 

I make a pizza, relax, watch a little Sex in the City season 2 with my pups on my lap, and calm down. 

Am I happy I drank tonight?  Honestly I wish I hadn't.  I did what I hope to do WHEN I drink: Have one or two in a longer period of time, while having great conversations, and have a lot of water. 

I came out of this challenge knowing what I want now.  Laid back, "one or two" kind of nights, when invited.  Not "because I'm bored" like today.  I didn't feel good after that.  I was still bored after I left. 

Here goes: I'm going to be a changed woman.  Determined.  Even though Kristen told me today "Better get your tolerance back up in time for MU homecoming bitch."  LOL

Gotta love my friends!

p.s. I think I'm actually hungover now from that fucking 8 ounces of wine, at 3am.  >:(

Last Day Hooray!

So today, Tuesday was the last day of the 2 week challenge.

It started with me getting up after 1pm as usual.

My day began with a late lunch with Spencer at one of my favorite restaurants in the West End.  While there, we both stayed liquor free of course, just bs-ed about the business and relaxed.  Then the owner approaches me "Omg Denise omg!  I need your geek help!"

?  Geek?

She needed me to fix a computer that had a virus on it.  ughhhhhhhhhhh.   Not exactly my forte.  But I did it.  I'm a baller that saves computers' lives.

I digress.  She was like "Hey, let me get you a good drink, eh?"
"No, I'll stick to cappuccinos."
"Nonsense!" she says.  "You need a drink!"

Really?  REALLY?  Even restaurateurs are telling me to drink :(   I was good and stuck to espresso products.  What an afternoon though-- almost makes you need a...

*

I decided to head to Brentwood to look at new laptops and go shoe shopping (literally has taken the place of my drinking).  I guess saving money isn't easy when the things that replace drinking habits for me are more shopping and quality dinners out.   Hell I'm hard to train.

Planning to keep myself totally preoccupied, I then went to see the movie Inglorious Bastards with my friend Andrew.  AWESOME movie at the lovely Chase Park Plaza.

Long movie at the Chase Park Plaza...  Hm.  What time did that get over...

What? It's after midnight?  I could have a drink now, technically, couldn't I?

What? We have to go get the valet stub validated at the concierge table in my favorite martini bar in the West End, Cafe Eau?  Oh that is a shame.  (ME WANT DRINKY!!)

... I didn't do it.  For the 800th time today I was good.  No worries.  I will say I wanted to though.  Like how many people would have said "oh well, fuck it, it's the last day, have a drink."  I'M A PRO.

The whole way home I was like "So, friend, drinks? NO!  We shouldn't.  Well, Maybe we should,.. NO I won't.  Son of a bitch this is weird!"

Sadly, (but proudly) I went home.  Totally bored.  Totally awake.  Totally thinking how great Vodka, MegaTouch Photohunt, and Toasted Ravs with ranch sounded at Calico's.  FML

"No need to drink for the hell of it" I told myself.  That's my new goal anyway.
*
*
*
EITHER WAY:  I DID IT!!!!!   So YAY ME and FUCK YOU who said I couldn't.

:D

Beautiful night, Beautiful feeling

On my way home tonight I had a great feeling: I feel healthier.   Not just like "Yay, I'm not hungover" but really just healthier in general.  Also, it may just be in my mind, but I think I am a wee bit smaller in my waist.  Just a little.  And even if it is just in my mind, that's ok, because it's making me more motivated to keep this up.  Even if it's just the food part and toning down the drinking.

I messaged a few people: "My hardest challenge is done, and 13 days down!"

Almost all of them wrote: "Wow.  Bet you're excited for Wednesday." (My official first day I could drink after the completion of this 2 week challenge)

You know what though?  I don't know if I will drink Wednesday.  I don't have the desire to.  I definitely don't want to drink "just because I can."  I miss being asked to have a drink, and regret always having to decline.  But I have been trying for a long time to only drink "when there's an event" and told myself "that I couldn't/wouldn't just randomly ask people to join me for a happy Tuesday evening of cocktails."  After this little endevor I think that will be easier.

I have money.  I feel better.  I think ultimately I will look better (can't loose too much weight, gotta keep the girls) but you get the picture.

I know sooner than later I will try a sample of the new wine at work, or sample a new martini I concocted for a customer request.  But I am really going to make a concious effort to remember how easy one slide's righttttt backkkkk into it.

Oh well, raise your caramel cappuccino glasses: "Here's to day fourteen."

And I thought yesterday was hard...

So every Sunday @8pm to Monday @8pm I take care of my grandmother.  She is not well.  Slipping physically... that's never easy for the care takers.  However when someone had a stroke that knocked out their speech sector of their brain, it's 10x harder because this lovely, and very vocal, woman is trapped.  It must be a terrible feeling.  However, it's also a terrible feeling when those two symptoms are put together and you are up til 7am hearing her bumbling, incoherent screams.

I emailed my mom at 5am like "I love you.  I love her.  And I do not want to resent either of you because of my assistance in her care program.  For this reason, I cannot do this anymore.  I tried-- valiantly tried-- to be there for you both.  I cannot imagine the feelings you are going through right now seeing her health deteriorate before our eyes, but I am unable to continue working with her."

I felt so bad.  But honestly I'm normally bent out of shape by Sunday after the long hours I put in at the bar.  So to go straight to a 24 hour shift isn't healthy.  Especially when I continue my sleep schedule being awake til 4 or 5am, and then Grandma needs to be up at 8am.  AHHHHHHHHH fml.

So today I was in a bad spot.  If I ever had a drink at Grandma's it was after midnight and a half shot.  Just a little something.  I'm too paranoid that something would happen and I'd be labeled "that caretaker that had a drink."  So I was good there, but the thoughts that went though my head were insane.

I basically had a minor panic attack.  I was so stressed from hearing her voice coming from the baby monitor that I was just tweeking and panicked and fucked up til 7am.  A few different times I tried to go to sleep, and turned off the TV.  Then I'd freak out that she wouldn't shut up and I'd turn the TV back on and try to relax.  It was a horrible experience.  Along with other things that come with an elderly person that can't take care of themselves, it was just enough to push me over the edge.

I left tonight happy I finally stood up to my family.  I told my Grandma I may not be back as an employee, I told my mom I couldn't work there anymore, and I asked my brother's mother-in-law, (the primary caregiver) if she would be interested in taking an extra day.

It was a large wave of relief.  I am going to focus on work and getting my personal life back together.  I have been looking a new apartments, and am excited for something refreshing to come into my life.

It's amazing what people can go through.  What people can survive when it's for family.  This is not the end of the road, just a new turn for me and my role in my Grandma's care.  But hopefully this will be best for everyone.  I'll can still be available to help here or there, but not as a stressed out, tired mess who resents every moment of Sunday and Monday.

I hope that I can fix my own emotions with out needing some mood altering medicine, or too much alcohol.  I think I'm learning a lot about my personal limits.  This in particular is a wonderful surprise that stemmed from this challenge.  Again, I believe more and more everyday my friends should all try this.

What do you mean it's not a full moon?

So on this busy weekend at the wine bar in Belleville, I have actually been feeling good.  The stress of the extra hours hasn't made me "crave" the Vodka, and I kicked ass Friday night in general.  Good people, good service, good money.

However TODAY was a completely different story.  We are all feeling it: the "didn't I just do this?  Did I even sleep or have I just been here the whole time?"  The people were also different-- a little more hillbilly, a little less savvy on tipping standards.

So I am not sure if it was the hours, the poor tips, or what, but I had the headache from hell.  Throw in our "surprise!" staffing changes for the weekend and I was on 2 painkillers every 4 hours.  GET ME OUT OF HERE type of thing.

The staff saw it in my face--and heard me complain lol-- but the regulars told me I was still at my A game.  I was done.

When the staff started leaving, they were all like "Holler, time to drink, what a weekend, etc."  I was like "This.  This is going to be hard later when the closing staff is letting loose."

I texted a few close friends who have been supportive of my challenge around 1am and warned them that I was in a bad spot.  Would I have drank? Honestly, no.  But MUTHAH FUCKAH I wanted to.  SOOOO badly.  Even boss's broseph was like "OOH! Free Wine!"

>:(  Like, really new kid?  Really?  Right in front of me?  Get your shit away from my bar.   And take those extra bottles just in case.  Go. Go.  My boss was cool and threw away the ones I like since Doug left and I wasn't having it.  (Doug's still kickin ass too... 13 days hollah)  So the lack of wine around helped.

It helped til about 3:15.  I was done cleaning from the crazy weekend.  Boss went and got some smoked gouda and summer sausage-- my favorite accessory to a good dry red.

"COUNT MY MONEY AND LET ME LEAVE" I say with my eyes to boss.  Get me out of here.  Yet he continues to slowly count, and slowly eat da Gouda and drink ze Beer.  At 4am when I was still there, and still off the clock, I snapped.  I raised my voice to him for the first time and was like "Just take the shortage, I don't care, I'm here unpaid and against my will, I'm out.  Get it done."

I couldn't really be social for the usual Denny's trip, or pay a visit to casa de Doug for a half bottle, I had to just keep driving and try to defuse my situation.

Inhale...
Exhale...

I kept getting reply texts throughout the wee hours of the morning: "Did you do it?  Did you drink?"

"No" I said with pride.  My hardest challenge and I passed.  Yay me.

And the praise of my colleagues and friends made it all the better.  Another day.

Holy Shit I'm Tired

So this weekend is Belleville's notorious "chili cook-off weekend"--it looks like half carnival half cook off, all on Main Street right outside my bar!  So needless to say we are going in early, and leaving late.

For the challenge, I thought the weekends would be the easiest since I get off after all the bars close--WRONG!   I was EXHAUSTED five times over last night, up from coffee, down from food, up from Red Bull, and was like "What's next?"  NOTHING.  I am quite proud of myself.  It's been 10 days.

And I do feel good.  Do I think I could do this forever?  No.  Do I want to do this forever? No.  But I'm not going to wash the two week detox (excuse the pun) down the drain; I want to take things more slow for now on.  Sure everyone has a "bad night" here or there, but I want to limit those as well.  I am fun without drinking.  Right?

Right? Staff of wine bar?  Right? Charles?

Whatev bitches.

A Good Day

I woke up a little late for it being my day off, but relaxed all afternoon with the windows and doors open, and the wind coming through.   Around 4:45 I ran to the bank; always friendly faces there. 

I had a nice evening at Park Avenue Coffee looking at new apartment prospects and networking prospects, and had my afternoon crack (my latte).  This same latte is what's keeping me up right now at 2am writing blogs and searching Craigslist over and over.

My pal Josh invited me over tonight for some "Good primetime TV" and lasagna and chocolate gooey butter cake.  Fuck yes.

As I'm getting ready, my neighbor says he has tickets to see a Kings of Leon concert, FREE tickets, and I have no one to call and say "can you be ready in 5 minutes?"  Oh well, I only knew a few of their songs anyway.  And my neighbor and his friends were already kind of drunk before the show, so it was likely I would have felt some pressure there.  No thank you.

Josh's house was great.   Good food, (thank you Chef Amie!) good dessert, and What?  What is this?  Josh bought hot apple cider and Bacardi Rum.  I smelled it.  I won't lie.  But they were supportive when they found out the drink they offered me couldn't be drank.  I explained the situation for my two week challenge and they were down.

I came home and got back online, watched Rounders, and am about to go to bed.

Two things:
#1 I do feel nice right now knowing that alcohol doesn't sound good to me, literally.  The IDEA of drinking sounds good to me.  The SOCIALIZATION sounds good to me.  TASTING new things sounds good to me.  But the feelings that come along with drinking I do not miss: Bloating, Same Old Drink, Hangovers.  Seriosuly, I have been so sick of Vodka Sprite and Vodka Redbull, but I don't like anything else!  Nothing sounded good to me!  So,... that's perfect.

#2 Unfortnately, I don't feel more alert, and more willing to do things.  My friend Doug said he really feels a difference if he hasn't drank for a few days, and gets more accomplished in his day.  I still wake up at 1pm and still hate housework; albiet maybe that's just me :)  I'm waiting to feel more motivated; but I guess that's hard when you run my schedule.  My "evening/night" is everyone else's sleep time.  So when I'm most awake, everyone is like "Nah, I have to go to bed soon."  I think that's the reason I ever do feel lonely-- it's always after 11pm. 

Oh well, day 8 down.  Welcome busy weekend!  Make that scrilla!