And I thought yesterday was hard...

So every Sunday @8pm to Monday @8pm I take care of my grandmother.  She is not well.  Slipping physically... that's never easy for the care takers.  However when someone had a stroke that knocked out their speech sector of their brain, it's 10x harder because this lovely, and very vocal, woman is trapped.  It must be a terrible feeling.  However, it's also a terrible feeling when those two symptoms are put together and you are up til 7am hearing her bumbling, incoherent screams.

I emailed my mom at 5am like "I love you.  I love her.  And I do not want to resent either of you because of my assistance in her care program.  For this reason, I cannot do this anymore.  I tried-- valiantly tried-- to be there for you both.  I cannot imagine the feelings you are going through right now seeing her health deteriorate before our eyes, but I am unable to continue working with her."

I felt so bad.  But honestly I'm normally bent out of shape by Sunday after the long hours I put in at the bar.  So to go straight to a 24 hour shift isn't healthy.  Especially when I continue my sleep schedule being awake til 4 or 5am, and then Grandma needs to be up at 8am.  AHHHHHHHHH fml.

So today I was in a bad spot.  If I ever had a drink at Grandma's it was after midnight and a half shot.  Just a little something.  I'm too paranoid that something would happen and I'd be labeled "that caretaker that had a drink."  So I was good there, but the thoughts that went though my head were insane.

I basically had a minor panic attack.  I was so stressed from hearing her voice coming from the baby monitor that I was just tweeking and panicked and fucked up til 7am.  A few different times I tried to go to sleep, and turned off the TV.  Then I'd freak out that she wouldn't shut up and I'd turn the TV back on and try to relax.  It was a horrible experience.  Along with other things that come with an elderly person that can't take care of themselves, it was just enough to push me over the edge.

I left tonight happy I finally stood up to my family.  I told my Grandma I may not be back as an employee, I told my mom I couldn't work there anymore, and I asked my brother's mother-in-law, (the primary caregiver) if she would be interested in taking an extra day.

It was a large wave of relief.  I am going to focus on work and getting my personal life back together.  I have been looking a new apartments, and am excited for something refreshing to come into my life.

It's amazing what people can go through.  What people can survive when it's for family.  This is not the end of the road, just a new turn for me and my role in my Grandma's care.  But hopefully this will be best for everyone.  I'll can still be available to help here or there, but not as a stressed out, tired mess who resents every moment of Sunday and Monday.

I hope that I can fix my own emotions with out needing some mood altering medicine, or too much alcohol.  I think I'm learning a lot about my personal limits.  This in particular is a wonderful surprise that stemmed from this challenge.  Again, I believe more and more everyday my friends should all try this.